Quarantine Part 2: The Return of Mr Flibble
by melihobbit
Summary: The Psi-virus that infected Rimmer has been breeding on the ship and somehow finds its way into Lister's curry. He goes insane and tries to kill the crew... but this time Mr Flibble has a life of his own.
1. Curry and Cornflakes

QUARANTINE PART TWO: The Return of Mr Flibble

A/N: My 2nd fanfic , a bit more insane than the last one. No planning whatsoever went into this. It was intended to occur after Quarantine, sometime in series 5. Please review. 50 points for anyone who spots the Blues Brothers reference :)

Starring:  
Chris Barrie as Rimmer  
Craig Charles as Lister  
Danny John-Jules as Cat  
Robert Llewellyn as Kryten  
Hattie Hayridge as Holly  
Mr Flibble as himself

Cockpit of Starbug. Cat, Lister, Rimmer and Kryten are present.

Kryten: 3,000 crates of tinned asparagus, 4,083 bags of self raising flour, 7,000 crates of popadoms...  
Lister:7,000? Only 7,000?  
Rimmer: 'Only' 7,000?! How much do you need?  
Lister: I need one box a week, that's at least three poppadoms with every vindaloo. And let's see... we eat vindaloo... well, every night. So that's not gonna last us back to earth. No way. We'll have to re-supply.  
Rimmer: And how are we going to do that? Just stop by the next spaceship that has an Indian takeaway? Don't be stupid.  
Lister: Alright, don't get antsy.  
Rimmer: I'd just prefer it if we stick to the important matters at hand here, which are whether we have enough staple foods to live on and if they're going to last us the rather long 3 million light year journey back to earth.  
Lister: What are you worried about, anyway? It's not going to affect you much is it?  
Rimmer: It will if everyone on this ship dies of starvation and I'm left alone with a mechanoid with a head shaped like a blob of lumpy Blu-Tack and a demented computer for company.  
Lister: It's always about you, isn't it?  
Kryten: Sirs, may I suggest we all calm down?  
Rimmer: Certainly Kryten. May I suggest you go and stick your head into the waste disposal unit?  
Cat: Hey, would you cut it out guys?! I've got a headache worse than a nun's first hangover!  
Lister: Alright, so the poppadom situation isn't good. But we're ok for basic foods. We've got the absolute, necessary, required dietary supplements. Curry sauce is fine. Chili powder, no problem. And we're good for chicken vindaloo. Nothing to worry about. (turning back to the front) It's 3 million light years to Earth, we've got a full tank of gas, 7,000 crates of poppadoms, it's dark and I've got me hat on. Let's roll.

* * *

Starbug sleeping quarters. Rimmer is wandering around the room, looking for something. Lister walks in, takes his cap off and jumps up onto his bunk.

Rimmer: Lister, have you moved my CDs?  
Lister: (suddenly nervous) What? Uh... which one?  
Rimmer: My favourite one, the Reggie Wilson one.  
Lister: No, haven't seen it. (he looks around guiltily)  
Rimmer: Are you sure? Because I've looked everywhere, and I can't find it!  
Lister: Oh... listen, you're... you're not gonna like this but...  
Rimmer: What? Have you seen it?  
Lister: Yeah. Kind of.  
Rimmer: Well, where?  
Lister: (nervous) You really liked your Hammond organ CDs, didn't you?  
Rimmer: (growing angry) Yes!  
Lister: But I mean, you would forgive someone if they accidentally... maybe... had a bit of an accident and something bad happened to them. Wouldn't you?  
Rimmer: Lister!!  
Lister: Look, it was an accident all right! I didn't mean it!  
Rimmer: Mean WHAT? what did you do, you stupid baboon-faced pygmy, tell me!  
Lister: Alright. Well the other night I was experimenting with a new kind of super-hot chilli sauce. I accidentally spilled some of it on your CD and it kind of... melted.  
Rimmer: MELTED?!!  
Lister: Yeah. Burnt a hole right through it. I think maybe I put too much chilli powder in.  
Rimmer: What were my CDs doing near your chilli sauce??!  
Lister: (guility) I was using them as coasters.  
Rimmer: (spluttering) You... you complete and utter...  
Lister: I'm sorry, ok?  
Rimmer: You smegging smeggy smegging piece of... SMEG!  
Lister: Rimmer, chill out man!  
Rimmer: Chill out?! You destroyed my favourite CD! That was my best CD, my favourite, the one I used to listen to every Friday night with a glass of brandy and my favourite book, you ruined it!  
Lister: I'll... I'll pay ya back.  
Rimmer: HOW?  
Lister: I dunno.  
Rimmer: I know. I know exactly how. I demand the total immediate and complete destruction of your guitar as compensation.  
Lister: WHAT?  
Rimmer: You destroyed my CDs Lister, it's only fair!  
Lister: No way. You're not goin' anywhere NEAR my guitar. Anyway, you can't touch it, whattaya gonna do, breathe on it?  
Rimmer: I'll get Kryten to do it. He'll obey me. He's programmed to. Into the waste disposal unit. Bye-bye guitar.  
Lister: No. I'll order him not to. Ha!  
Rimmer: I'll get the Cat to do it.  
Lister: He won't take orders from you.  
Rimmer: He will if I give him fish.  
Lister: Oh... look, Rimmer, I said I was sorry. But you're NOT touching my guitar.  
Rimmer: You can't watch it all the time. (he sits slowly and purposefully on his bunk.)  
Lister:(reaches for the guitar) I'll sleep with it.  
Rimmer: You can't protect it forever, Lister. I'll find a way to destroy it.  
Lister: Good NIGHT, Rimmer.  
Rimmer: (through gritted teeth) I'll find a way!

* * *

The next morning Lister walks into the mid-section in his curry-stained pyjamas, holding the guitar by the neck. He sits down and Kryten walks over jauntily with a plate of food.

Kryten: Morning Mr Lister Sir, how did you sleep?  
Lister: (suspiciously) Fine.  
Kryten puts a plate down in front of him.  
Kryten: There you are, sir. Cornflakes and curry sauce, just the way you like it.  
Lister: Has Rimmer tried to order you to smash up my guitar yet?  
Kryten: (head contracting into his neck in the way it does when he's feeling guilty about something) N-no sir. Not at all. (his leg jiggles wildly.) Where on earth would you get a funny idea like that.  
Lister: You're not gonna do it, Kryten. I FORBID you to touch my guitar.  
Kryten: Sir, I would never! I know how much you love your guitar. Besides, orders from a living human take precedence over those from a deceased one, even if he IS your superior.  
Lister: Good. I'll be keeping me eye on you, though.

He takes a bite of cornflakes and winces.

Lister: Kryten, this curry sauce tastes a bit odd.  
Kryten: Well, it's the same curry sauce I always put in, sir. It hasn't passed its use-by date.

Lister shrugs and goes on eating. Kryten twiddles his fingers nervously and walks out.

* * *

Interior of Starbug. Lister stumbles down a corridor looking ill. He has one hand pressed to his stomach, and is still holding his guitar. He staggers into the crew's quarters.

Lister: Ohhhh. That curry I ate. Must've been something wrong with it. Uaaahhh.. I think I'm gonna be sick.

He slumps down onto Rimmer's bunk, not having the strength to climb up into his own.


	2. The Land of Fairy Floss

Rimmer walks down the corridor towards the sleeping quarters. He is mumbling to himself.

Rimmer: Where is that smelly, smeggy lump of slobbiness now?

He walks into the sleeping quarters. It's pitch dark.

Rimmer: (angrily) Lister, are you in here? Lights!

The lights flick on and Rimmer jumps back in shock. Lister is sitting on Rimmer's bunk wearing a green flowery, frilly dress. A baby's bonnet is stretched over his head, covering up his dreadlocks. He looks ridiculous. On his hand is a familiar furry penguin glove-puppet, Mr Flibble.

Rimmer: (shocked) Uh... Lister? What... are you doing, exactly?  
Lister: (in a monotone) I'm waiting for the magic broomstick.  
Rimmer: (slowly) The magic broomstick.  
Lister: The magic broomstick that goes to the land of fairy floss.  
Rimmer: Right. (he is backing out the door imperceptibly) Lister, are you by any chance, perhaps, a teeny weeny bit drunk?  
Lister: I was feeling bad before. But I'm alright now. (he turns to Mr Flibble) Mr Flibble made me better.  
Rimmer: Ah. Of course he did.  
Lister: Where are you going? Don't you want to see the land of fairy floss?  
Rimmer: (nervous, squeaky voice) Uh... no. I might have to pass you up on that. Sorry.  
Lister: I don't think so. The troll people said you might try to escape. We can't have that. It wouldn't please them. (His eyes start to glow red and he emits a strange howling noise)  
Rimmer: Aaah!  
Rimmer turns and scampers off down the corridor.

* * *

Rimmer runs breathlessly into the cockpit, where Cat and Kryten are sitting.

Rimmer: Lister's gone nuts!  
Cat: What?  
Rimmer: He's gone mad! He's gibbering something about troll people and the land of fairy floss!  
Cat: Sounds like you after extra-strength holo-whiskey. He's probably drunk.  
Rimmer: No, you idiot! He's completely flipped! He tried to use some kind of hex vision on me!  
Cat: Hex vision? Wasn't that what happened to you after you got that virus from Dr What's-her-face?  
Kryten: It sounds like the holo-virus has somehow been breeding and mutating on our ship, and is now harmful to humans. I suggest we try to seal off the doors to the crew's quarters.  
Rimmer: It's too late, he could be anywhere by now! Holly, can you track him?  
Holly (on screen): I'm picking up movement in the cargo bay corridor.  
Rimmer: Seal off all the doors leading from that corridor!  
Holly: Alright. Keep your hair on. (pause) It's done.  
Rimmer: (relaxing) Thank god. Did you get him?  
Holly: He's still in the corridor. I can bring it up on screen. (her image is replaced with that of a black and white flickering monitor image, showing a corridor. Lister is sitting cross-legged on the ground, seemingly in the middle of a deep conversation with Mr Flibble, who is nodding his 'head'/hand in agreement.)

Rimmer: Good... now what.  
Kryten: I suggest we try to sedate him, and see if we can produce some kind of anti-virus. It may not be so far evolved that there is no cure for humans.  
Cat: What if it is?

Kryten doesn't answer, but just gives them both a very worried look.

* * *

Kryten, Cat and Rimmer are creeping down a darkened corridor. Kryten is holding a very large tranquilizer gun that looks like it should normally be used on elephants.

Kryten: This should do the trick. There's enough tranquilizer in here to put him to sleep for a month.  
Rimmer: A plan that works for everyone.

They reach the closed cargo bay doors.

Kryten: Holly, open the doors. (he turns to the others.) I suggest you find convenient hiding places, sirs. This virus may be lethal to both of you.

They scuttle off into the shadows and the doors open. Kryten walks into the deserted corridor.

Kryten: Holly?  
Holly (over speaker): Um, there seems to be a problem.  
Kryten: He's gone.  
Holly: Yes, that's the problem.  
Kryten: Well where is he now?  
Holly: I don't know, I can't find him anywhere. Not getting any readable life signs.  
Kryten: Ah. The virus seems to be evolving quickly.  
Rimmer: What? You mean we can't detect him on radar now either?  
Kryten: No.  
Cat: So what are we gonna do?  
Kryten: Don't worry sirs, I have a plan.

* * *

Kryten, Cat and Rimmer are crouched in the corridor peering around the corner, where a steaming hot tray of chicken vindaloo has been placed strategically in the middle of the floor.

Rimmer: This was your plan. Lure him out with chicken vindaloo.  
Kryten: Yes, sir.  
Rimmer: Kryten, he'd have to have less brains than a clinically deranged mollusc to fall for that. (He pauses, and then shakes his head) Sorry, I forget it's Lister we're talking about.  
Cat: This is crazy. There's no way this is gonna work!  
Kryten: Well I'm sorry sirs, it was the best plan I could think of at the time.  
Rimmer: (hissing) Shh, be quiet, here he comes!

They duck back out of sight behind the corner. Lister, still wearing that insanely cheerful floral dress, walks up the corridor and spots the tray of food. He points Mr Flibble at it. Mr Flibble whispers in his ear.  
He looks around suspiciously, then down at the food. His eyes light up and he points his hex vision at the vindaloo, which starts to bubble and hiss.

Rimmer: (whispering) He's not taking the bait Kryten, shoot him now!

Kryten leans out from behind the wall and fires. The dart smacks into Lister's neck, his eyes fly wide open and he claws at it. Slowly his struggles grow weaker and he sinks to the floor in an ungainly heap. Mr Flibble slides off his hand of his own accord and scuttles off up the corridor.

The others don't notice the absence of Mr Flibble, as Kryten and Cat unfold a stretcher and put Lister onto it.


	3. AntiVirus

Medical quarters. Lister is lying sedated on a table, and he is bound to it tightly with leather straps for good measure. Kryten is looking into a microscope, but he keeps shooting guilty glances at Lister.

Rimmer: Oh, Kryten, stop your fidgeting. It's not your fault he went crazy.  
Kryten: But to tie him up like that... it feels so wrong!  
Rimmer: It's for his own good. He won't be able to harm us if he's properly secured.  
Kryten: I agree sir, but was it really necessary for me to whack him over the head with that steel pylon?  
Rimmer: He was waking up! He could have leaped up from the stretcher and strangled you!  
Kryten: He wasn't waking up, that was only his leg twitching!  
Rimmer: It could have been a diversion.  
Kryten: (guiltily) But you kept insisting I hit him even though he's practically comatose!  
Rimmer: Alright, let's just forget it shall we? Shouldn't you be concentrating on that anti-virus?  
Kryten: (reproachfully) Yes, sir.

* * *

Cat is in the cockpit, manning the ship. He is looking out the window inattentively and humming to himself.

Cat: (grinning self-importantly) Oh yeah. I'm in charge of the ship. I'm the dude at the helm. Nothing gets past me! 'Cos if it tried, it'd be one sorry sucker!

Behind him, in the background, Mr Flibble is 'crawling' across the floor towards Cat.

Cat: I'm sharp. I'm on the case. Ain't NO-ONE gonna sneak up on me!  
Mr Flibble: (in a high-pitched version of Lister's voice) Mr Flibble says... game over, punk!

Cat spins around and ducks just in time as a red beam of light shoots at his head. He scrambles out of his chair.

Cat: Wh-who said that?

He looks down and sees Mr Flibble, a small furry glove puppet, sitting on the floor.

Cat: (bewildered) Oh. That explains everything.  
Mr Flibble: It's time for you to die.  
Cat: Uh... sorry, bud. I have a pressing engagement somewhere else. (he scampers past the glove puppet, narrowly dodging another burst of hex-vision aimed at the region of his face.)  
Mr Flibble: HAHA! Mr Flibble will destroy you!! Death to all the infidels and toothbrushes!

* * *

Medical quarters. Kryten is pouring some orange liquid into a test tube and holds it over a Bunsen burner with metal tongs. Rimmer is watching nervously.

Rimmer: Nearly done, Kryten?  
Kryten: (distracted) Sir, this is a very complex process. It is going to take a while.  
Rimmer: Well could you, you know, speed it up a little? (He glances fearfully at the drugged Lister)  
Kryten: Not really, sir.  
Rimmer: Right.

Lister's leg twitches and Rimmer jumps. He edges nervously towards Kryten, away from the bed, trying not to look scared.

Rimmer: It's just... I know what it feels like. It's horrible. Completely horrible. I don't want to turn into a raving lunatic again.  
Kryten: I understand sir, I am doing my best.

At that moment Cat comes pelting into the room.

Cat: (gasping) There's a cute little furry penguin trying to kill me!  
Rimmer: (panicked, pointing at Cat) He's got the virus too! He's gone insane! Tranquilize him!  
Kryten: Calm down, Mr Rimmer sir. Cat, what exactly happened?  
Cat: I told you, I was in the cockpit and some psycho penguin snuck up behind me and fired red laser beams at my head!  
Rimmer: Well, forgive me if that sounds the tiniest bit insane.  
Kryten: It's that glove puppet that Mr Lister was wearing!  
Rimmer: You mean it has a life of its own now?  
Kryten: I believe Mr Lister is controlling it by telekinesis. It can also use his hex vision and seems to be able to communicate through him.  
Rimmer: Right. Well there seems to be only one way to solve this.  
Cat: What?  
Rimmer: Kill Lister.

This does not meet with a rousing show of approval, predictably enough. The other two just stare at him.

Rimmer: Alright, call it extreme if you will, but I don't see any other options, do you?  
Kryten: Sir, we are NOT killing Mr Lister.  
Rimmer: Well it was worth a shot.  
Cat: Hey, hate to break up the discussion buds, but while we're standing around here talking, that penguin could be sneaking up on us! It could be anywhere on the ship!  
Rimmer: Wonderful.  
Kryten: Alright, sirs, I have another plan.  
Rimmer: Just tell me it doesn't involve vindaloo.  
Kryten: It doesn't. It involves Mr Cat and me searching the ship armed with bazookoids, and firing at anything that moves.  
Rimmer: Ah. An excellent plan.  
Cat: Wait a minute. Bazookoids? In this outfit? Explosions with imitation leopard skin? You gotta be kidding me!  
Kryten: (heading for the door) I'm sorry sir, but we don't really have time for you to change into co-ordinated evening wear. Mr Lister still has the virus and I don't know how much time he has left.  
Cat: Alright, alright. I'll do it. (he points at the sleeping Lister as he follows Kryten) But don't forget I sacrificed my self-respect for you, buddy!

* * *

Cat and Kryten are creeping along one of he corridors in Starbug, each holding a bazookoid. Rimmer is creeping along behind them, probably because he didn't want to stay in the medical bay alone with Lister.

Cat: Anyone see it?  
Rimmer: No. No sign.  
Kryten: Stay alert. It could be anywhere.

They walk around a corner, into a storage area filled with crates. Suddenly Cat gives out a scream as the glove puppet launches itself from the top of one of the crates and attaches itself to his face. He stumbles backwards, clawing at the penguin, but it won't let go.

Rimmer: (shouting) Shoot it, Kryten, shoot it, SHOOT IT NOW!  
Kryten: (shouting back, over the top of Cat's screams) I can't! I'll hit the Cat! I think that's what it wants!  
Cat: (muffled) Help! It's trying to choke me!  
Rimmer: You have to do something!  
Kryten: I... I... (he thinks very hard) The anti-virus... it's the only way!

He turns around and runs of down the corridor.

Rimmer: Kryten!!

He is left alone with the screaming Cat. Feebly, he puts his hands in a 'karate chop' gesture and shouts gibberish, trying to distract the penguin.

* * *

Kryten runs into the medical quarters and grabs the vial of anti-virus he was working on.

Kryten: It's not finished... but it's the only way to save them... it may just work...

He puts the liquid into a syringe and sticks the syringe into Lister's arm. His face contorts with worry as he stands back to wait.

* * *

Rimmer is dancing around the Cat, still with penguin attached to his face, and making vague swiping motions at it. His arms pass right through the Cat's body.

Rimmer: (to himself) This is HOPELESS! Kryten, what the smeg are you doing?!

* * *

On the medical table, Lister's eyes open and he tries to sit up with a jerk, but is held in place by the leather straps.

Lister: (groggily) Kryt? Whash goiinn onn? Why amm I tiied down?  
Kryten: Mr Lister! Are you alright? How do you feel?  
Lister: Like I jusst ate a really bad curry.  
Kryten: The curry. It must have been infected with the virus. Oh Mr Lister, welcome back! The anti-virus must've worked!

* * *

Cat stops struggling as the puppet falls harmlessly to the ground. He stomps on it with his foot for good measure.

* * *

Rimmer and Cat run into the medical bay, where Lister is being released from his bonds. He sits up.

Rimmer: Kryten, you did it!  
Cat: Hey, that was cool, buddy! He just dropped dead!  
Lister: Who are you talking about? And why... (he looks down at himself)... the smeg am I wearing a dress?  
Rimmer: You don't remember? You don't remember anything since breakfast this morning?  
Kryten: We'll explain it later, sir. Perhaps after a nice hot chicken vindaloo, washed down with lager.  
Lister: Are you mad?  
Kryten: (realising) Oh. I'm sorry sir, forgive me. I must've realised the LAST thing you could possibly want right now is a vindaloo...  
Lister: No, not that. I mean this smeggin' DRESS. Get me out of it. I feel stupid!

* * *

Later, Lister and Cat are sitting in the mid-section enjoying a meal. Lister has a curry in front of him and is tucking into it with relish.

Cat: I can't believe you can eat that stuff after what happened today!  
Lister: It was only the one box of curry that was contaminated. Kryten found it and threw it out. Nothing to worry about.  
Cat: Yeah, but still...  
Lister: (Looking around) Where is Kryten anyway?  
Cat: Him and Goalpost Head were headed off to the waste disposal unit last time I saw.  
Lister: (dropping his spoon) What?!  
Cat: Yeah, come to think of it, they had your guitar as well!  
Lister: (jumping up from the table) Oh, SMEG!

THE END


End file.
